BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.....

Had a super tremendously busy weekend - I almost feel like I've not HAD a weekend. BUT - vacation is coming up soon, so I think I will make it. Sam told me Friday that I "kicked butt" on my accounts - that made all the BS from Tharon the past few months not even matter. If Sam says its good, I personally don't care what Tharon thinks about it. Okay - this has to be short & sweet. I hear my bed calling......

Peace.

Suz

A TRULY GOOD DAY

This had to be one of the best days I've had in recent years. I slept in and missed my OA meeting, however I dreamed of being in a meeting at least 3 times!! That counts, right?? LOL Not really - but the food was good today. I'm well rested. Got to spend some quality time with Hannah & Corbin, which was good. Did a lot of crocheting and went to visit Dawn, too. Had a great, heartfelt conversation with my roommate/friend Tala.......I think that, perhaps, was the best of all. For the first time in a really long time, we talked of the weeks leading up to her mom's death and how that affected both of us, especially after. We say in Program that where you are in life is just where you're supposed to be, and I believe it. There was a time when I couldn't stand the sight of Tala, and going home was not an option. I stayed away as long as possible, just coming home to sleep, basically. It's not like that anymore and I'm glad. We get along, and I feel that we ARE truly friends now. That makes me happy. She also made mention of the fact that she wants to get the house done soon so I can invite my other friends over so we can all get to know each other.

Becoming close friends with Dawnelle has enriched my life also - we had a coupla glasses of wine, smoked a few cigarettes and talked. About everything. She has become one of my closest friends, too. I feel blessed to have as many close friends as I do - they care about me, wonder about me and laugh with me. They worry when they don't here from me, and I do the same. I have the kids, too - always in my heart. And, of course, I have my Program and my needlework. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with so much!! <3 <3 <3

Peace!

Suz

ON KNITTING & MITERED SQUARES.....

EINSTEIN COAT. Yup - I wanna make it, only I wanna make a vest. Having pored over the pattern for a full day, I'm thinking of doing the Einstein Coat (pattern by Sally Melville)as a vest, and quite possibly doing the upper body as mitered squares. Why mess up a great pattern, you may ask?? Because.....I LOVE KNITTING MITERED SQUARES!! And I think the Einstein Coat would look great with mitered squares at the top. In Noro Silk Garden Lite.

In fact - I think I will go swatch. See ya!!

Peace!

Suz

I AM BACK!!

YES!! I am back to blogging. Somehow, I'm gonna make this work and not be such a Negative Nelly. Just came off a 3 day spiritual retreat, and I know my head is in a better place now. Hopefully, I will get back to writing more patterns soon. Sad that outta all the stuff I've knitted & crocheted, I only have one pattern on Ravelry!! Gotta do better than that!

So - hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this better, and forget some of the crap, especially the work-related crap, of last year. Stay tuned - good things are coming, I promise!!

Peace!

Suz

I HATE ME

Right now, I really, really hate myself. I snacked last nite when I had no business doing so - killed half a bag of Cheetos. Was gonna do better this morning, then decided to have chocolate chip cookies WITH my banana, and from there it was Katy bar the door. I haven't quit eating for more than 90 minutes at a time all damn day, It sux - totally blew what little abstinence I was holding onto, and now my stomach hurts like hell. Not to mention that I feel like I'm poured into my clothes today. Aaaarrrgggghhhhh........so. Back to the first 3 Steps tonite, before I settle in with my knitting OR Facebook. Journal some on what in the hell caused this compulsive overeating, because I'm almost sure there's some underlying emotional upheaval or reason I did so. Try really hard not to beat myself up TOO bad over the whole deal, and decide how I'm gonna come clean to my sponsor and OA friends.

My heart & my body are really heavy right now - I feel like I have a ton of lead on my shoulders & another in my stomach. THIS SUX SO FRIGGIN' BAD!!!!! Okay then - gonna man up, get my stuff together & head for Bible study. Pray to God to help me, then promise myself to DO SOMETHING to help myself the next time that DOESN'T involve food!! Gee!! When will I EVER learn??

Peace.

INSPIRATION

Inspiration come to me from everywhere. The wondrous hand of God as displayed in the beauty of Nature, the smooth sensuousness of a certain fiber, seeing my favorite color, or feeling the rough textures of wood & concrete under my fingertips.......all of these contribute to good feelings & the longing to create something to remind me of those times. Pain & anxiety also sometimes inspire me, but in the opposite direction - they inspire & encourage me to be lazy, to lose sight of the importance of certain things, to ignore the very things I should be paying attention to, and to ignore the help being offered by others.

What is wonderful and miraculous to me is when I find inspiration in an unexpected place - such as the writings of a friend. I know someone who you would never think had the deep, philosophical thoughts that he does, just by looking at him. Just goes to show you can't always judge a book by it's cover, eh? I read his blog/note on FB the other day and was nearly moved to tears. He has this great appreciation for life, his parents & step-parents, his upbringing and his friends - and he doesn't mind letting the world know about it. So.......why should my blog be so negative?? Why should I let everyday, mundane BS color the way I see the world? Why blog only when I feel like crap?? Looking back over my posts, I see that I let this be an outlet for my fear, anxiety & angst.

I'm not gonna promise that every future post will be all sunshine and rainbows - that's not realistic. But I am gonna actively promote optimism in my life - let's hope it transfers to here. My life is about God, knitting, good friends, my family, my OA Program & my OA family, and my thankfulness for being allowed this many years on God's green Earth. I don't have time or the place in my heart for the negativity that I've been pulling down upon myself lately. I wanna breathe, relax and enjoy the sunshine and Spirit while God still lets me.

So, that's my post for the day. Hopefully, they will be much more frequent, and maybe I can even find the time to post a few patterns in here!! Have a great day, wherever & whoever you are!!

Peace & Love

Suz

ONLY NINE MORE DAYS.......

Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.

I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??

So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.

I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!

I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.

Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.

Peace.