KEEPING UP....

I should be able to be more regular with my posts, or at least keep them consistent, but I just can't. It's wonderful when I do get on here, 'cause all kinda things just spill out & onto the screen. I guess starting is what's so difficult.

It's hot here in EVV. Don't want to go home & sit on the porch with Ella ('cause I'm reasonably sure that's where she will be) so I'm at the library. Just took the kids to see Killers, with Ashton Kutcher & Katherine Heigl. Pretty good - actually funnier than I thought it would be. I havta be honest, I could NOT for the life of me see what Demi Moore saw in him when they first got together, but NOW?? Oh my goodness - I can MOST certainly see it now!! LOL He'll always kinda remind me of that kid, Kelso, from That 70's Show. But he sure did grow up fine........WAY TO GO, DEMI!! Bravo!

Saturdays are my "down" day, kinda. I think there is so much going on during the week, at work & otherwise, that by the time the weekend arrives, I am really just not motivated at all. To do much of anything. It's not like I work that hard, I don't - just don't wanna do a darn thing except sit & vegetate. Which isn't really productive. Perhaps my vacation will rejuvenate my vitality - only 17 more days!! YAY!!

I'm feeling so lazy today I'd go home & take a nap - but if I do that, I'll wake up about 10 & be up all nite. Which means I won't wanna get up for church in the morning. Maybe it's this heat that makes me so tired - I haven't really done anything all day. Well, NOW I'm gonna go knit. That's productive, right???

Peace.

SERENITY, PEACE & HAPPINESS

GOD - PLEASE GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN & A SMIDGEN OF YOUR INFINITE WISDOM SO I CAN REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE........AND GOD?? IF YA DON'T MIND, COULD YA MAKE THAT HAPPEN YESTERDAY?? PLEASE?????

I'm searching tonite - searching for peace of mind. I want my happiness & joy back, and I want it NOW. Just like a small child, eh? Instant gratification is what I seek. In all areas of my life. Not sure I wanna pray for patience - I'm afraid that I'll be sent more ways in which to test it out!! Today, my nerves are shot - that last one I had left?? Several people did their level best to tromp all over it........

I am level-headed right now, for the moment. May not be tomorrow. I'm extremely hurt, but I'm trying really hard not to hold onto any resentments - but I'm afraid I'm not trying as hard as I think I am, 'cause I still wanna hurt someone REAL bad. It'll pass tho - just like it always does. I'll open my heart & soul to those around me, give them the benefit of the doubt & the same azzholes who chmped me before will probably do so again. Maybe not. Don't know.

What I do know is this - I AM BIGGER & BETTER THAN THIS!! AND I WON'T BECOME ONE OF THE DOWNTRODDEN THROWAWAYS!! I WON'T SUCCUMB TO THE MADNESS!! I WILL STAND STRONG & BE TRUE TO MYSELF, NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

In the infamous words of Gloria Gaynor - I WILL SURVIVE!!!!

Peace, kids. And good nite.......

I NEED A VACATION.......

Lawdy - I sound like a darn broken record, don't I?? Gee whiz - the BS never ends at this place. Sooooooo - do I stay, put up with the crap & try to work thru it? Or do I update my resume & go jobhunting?? At age 52? Aaaarrrggghhhh!!! I never really realized what Tala went thru until now, but suddenly - I get it. She was where I am now - she had messed up a little, tried to get back on track, but had to deal with "T" on a daily basis - no wonder she walked out. He never, ever, ever lets up. The little digs & nitpicking go a lllooonnnggg way towards undermining self esteem - with some. Not with me - I'm just angry all the time now. On edge, and terribly frustrated, too. I don't really WANT to try & please him - it's an impssible task. He's a bully, a bully boss & I have become his target. He literally canNOT help himself, I don't think. HE believes he's "keeping me on my toes".

I pray for him daily - to find peace & happiness in his life. I must confess I ask for God to help make him not such a butthead. But so far, I don't know that I feel any better, and I surely can't tell that it's made an impact on him. But I'll keep praying for relief - I know God will answer my prayer somehow. I just don't know when, where or how. Until then, I'll keep looking for little islands of peace & tranquility in my life, and hope for the best. Surely, he can't go another 40 years acting like such a d--k to most people. I don't know why Sam keeps him on here, unless it's for the the fact that he kisses azz so well.

Honestly can't wait for my vacation - I plan to do nothing but sit on the front porch, drink a coupla glasses of wine, knit & watch the world go by. Period. That's my plan - think I can wait until July??? LOL I sure hope I can.

Peace, kids. Thanks for listening. ;~)

HOW DO YOU RETRIEVE YOUR PEACE OF MIND???

How do ya get it back when it seems like every last shred of it has gone out the window - along w/your joy about being exactly where you're supposed to be in life?? Right now - I don't know. I used to enjoy going into work everyday - that's changed. Thanks, Tharon. I feel put-upon & unappreciated, and it's hard to get past that. As a 12 Stepper, I know what I OUGHT to do to help relieve the anxiety - journal, talk to my sponsor, read OA literature, etc. BUT I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I simply want to be someplace very quiet - no phones, no TV, no kids, no Ella and especially NO Tharon. Right now, if I never ever saw that man again, I would not think twice about it.

I'm very tired of day-to-day life right now - that retirement cabin in the mountains is looking pretty damn good right now. Too bad there is no such cabin. Too bad I've saved no money to have such a retirement. I am praying a lot, that these feelings pass. I'm crying a lot & I'm not sure if it's self-pity or just insurmountable sadness. I feel like I've lost something, and I'm not sure what. I'm not eating over it - still at 3 meals a day with absolutely no snacks. My meals aren't restricted, but I have noticed that I do tend to get a little hungry between meals - so I must be doing something right.

Thank God I have a meeting tonite - it may be the only thing that is gonna get me dis-invited from my own pity party. As far as the job is concerned? I'm torn - really torn. One part of me says do the very best I can for Sam & Melanie (forget about the a**hole, Tharon)even if it means doing a little bit on my own time. The other part of me says I'll be damned if I'm going to do more than absolutely neccesary - especially when I'm doing twice as much as Debbie, but she gets to work OT & I'm restricted to 40 hrs a week. Seriously - WTF happens when she leaves for good in 3 wks? Huh?? Still want me on 40 hrs a week, dipsh*t?? See - that's where it's all changed. It used to be I didn't mind doing some work & not getting paid for it. I'd go in on a Saturday & work 4-5 hrs on my own time - never punch in. But now? The hell with all that. I'm only working on my job when I get paid for it - period.

Maybe this counts as journaling - I don't know. I don't feel much better yet, if it does. But - duty calls. Time for work. Hopefully my next post will be more light-hearted. Thanks for listening.

Peace.

Hmmmmm........

Seems I have a mystery commentator on my blog. Wonder what that's all about?? And when I look at HIS (HER??) blog, all I see are little squares. Weird. Well - so far, so good today at work. YAY!! And Hannah has all her homework done, so that's good too. Things are looking up, I'd say.

Thank goodness for being able to be there for friends. I have one that's going thru a hard time, and I hope I can be there for him always. He's hurting, but he's a "glass is half-full" kinda guy - he'll make it, I know he will. As always, he's in my prayers.

Okay - gotta work!!

Peace!

One week down....

Well - I made it thru the week, and I didn't kill anyone......namely you know who. That's a good thing. It's Sunday, tho - the start of a brand-new week. Hopefully, this one will go better than the last.

The good news?? I finished a knitted shawl & will probably finish a wrap for my mom's birthday by tomorrow nite. Ya gotta love big needles & dropped stitches!! LOL Okay - gotta go - Hannah is having a hissy fit 'cause she wants me to watch a movie with her. She's sighing dramatically & loudly from across the room!! What a teenage drama queen!!

Oh! She just said she's THE teenage drama queen!!! Gotta go!!

Peace!!

WORK SUX.........and then ya die.

Jeez - I don't know where to start. It's been a helluva day, to say the least. Tharon (the general manager taking Melanie's place in our dept) is on my ass hot & heavy. I'm so pissed off still, and all this happ'd over 2 hrs ago. But I can't seem to let it go. F***!! I'm mad, so mad. He claims I'm disobeying his direct orders on purpose. Like I've been sitting around all week with my thumb up my ass or something. Because he told me & Debbie last week to switch account books & call each other's bad debt customers. And we never got around to it this week. Since he didn't say anything to HER, I'm assuming he believes it's all MY fault. What makes it worse is that's the impression I get from Debbie too!! Maybe its just my paranoia kicking in - I don't know. But I'm really upset about it. I did talk to Melanie & she told me to breathe and just shake it off. I'm trying, I am - I'm so happy I have a meeting tonite. Sorry, kids - didn't mean to rant. Just thought if I put it into words I could get past it somehow. Don't pay me any mind whatsoever, ok? I'll be okay. Thanks for reading!! LOL

Peace out, Tharon!!