Good morning!!

Hmmm - why in the world is it that the day I have SO much stuff to do, the end of the month and the day I meet with one of the owners of the company to present a new product idea, then I'm not sleepy. At all. It's after midnite, and I'm wide awake. Poop. Could still be adreneline, I suppose. I did something really, really stupid tonite & I'm still not sure what possessed me to do so.

I was 1 1/2 blocks from home. I stopped @ a top sign and a woman that was standing on the corner came up & knocked on my car window. She acted like she was drunk or high. Not sure which - but she wanted to know if I'd give her a ride to her apartment @ 1st and Adams 'cause she ran outta gas. I didn't see a car that looked outta place & I told her I wasn't going that far. She kept asking me & pulling on the door handle. The way she was acting I figured if I took off she'd fall down & I might accidently run over her. So I let her in - told her I'd take her to Washington Avenue.

Now, some of ya know taht I don't live in the best part of town anyway. Pretty much as close to the inner city as you can get without actually living there. Its not a great neighborhood. But she had me twisting & truening 'til we WERE in some of the worst & scary parts of town. The part of town we were in - people stand in the middle of the street talking to each other & dare you to hit them when you drive down the road. Anyway, we finally got to a little bit better part & I told her that was as far as I would go. She wouldn't get outta the car!! She kept wanting me to hug her, kept saying "Music!!" when she wanted me to turn up the radio, and was just in general creeping me out. And I was scared sh*tless - I kid you not.

We ended up only a coupla blocks away from my mom's house! Finally, she said that the creepy apartments next to Earl's Muffler shop across from Pizza King was where she lived & she got outta my car. Not before asking me for money, tho! But dang - I'm thinking now I was really, really lucky. And of course, the 2 people I told about it let me know how stupid it was to do something like that. They were right.

Wow - I guess thats what I needed to do - was blog about it! Cause now I'm tired all of a sudden. Weird. Anyway, I guess its time for bed then!! LOL

Good nite & peace!!

A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF NONSENSICAL OBSERVATIONS

These are some things I've learned about myself & the world in the last 72 hrs or so. Not all of them make alot of sense (even to me!) and some are more like peeves than anything else. I was gonna entitle this "TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED" but the list quickly grew to more than ten, so I'll just write/blog til it stops being funny. Because, believe me, most of it's funny.......

1. I never knew I could love someone so deeply that I've only actually met once
2. Never knew I'd still be able to write about it when they met someone else
3. Knitting helps to soothe my aching heart, but a trip to the LYS (local yarn shop) helped me almost forget why I was sad in the first place - notice I said ALMOST
4. Just when I need solace in God's arms, I decide I'm too depressed to get outta bed & go to church
5. I'm a sucker for "orphan" skeins of yarn @ said LYS
6. Knitting a lace scarf with pink yarn on rose-colored needles will make you forget anything that's bothering you, if you don't go blind first
7. I have become old enuff to need more than 2 lights on @ a time when I knit
8. But I'm not so old that hair color & the attention of young men can't make me feel better
9. I've decided it's Ella's fault that Murphy's Law follows me around some days - after all, her last name is Murphy & I gotta blame somebody, right?
10. It's a federal law that you HAVTA buy yarn that's 75% off - isn't it?
11. That I sincerely do NOT wanna clean the offices today
12. I find I blog more often when I'm hurting
13. Just when you think you have the world by the tail, you don't
14. It is too warm outside now for me to have that extra blanket on my bed - either that or I'm having hot flashes again
15. That it can be 70 outside & Ella will still turn the heat up to 75 degrees, put on flannel PJ's & a robe, then cover herself with a fleece blanket & tell me she's having trouble catching her breath. Can we say heat stroke, perhaps?

Okay - that's all the idiosyncrasy I can come up with today.......and I REALLY gotta clean this office, now!! LOL I do wanna be at church at 5 pm.

Peace, kids!

This Heart O' Mine...

I must say that 72 hrs ago, I wouldn't have had the courage or even the will to blog. But things change, especially given enuff time. I know that what is happening is for the best - it's exactly what I wanted for him. What I don't know is why it still hurts so bad - even after 3 days. Oh, the pangs in the heart aren't as huge as they were on Thursday. But they are still making themselves know, sometimes when I least expect it.

What I can be grateful for is that I knew this day would come, even if I chose to hide it from myself. I have great friends & a great program to help me thru this period. And I didn't eat or even smoke over it. What else can I say? That in itself is fantastic, and 2-3 yrs ago would not have been a possibility. So, I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.

And I can also be grateful that I helped & encouraged a young man who had led a sheltered life to get out into the world. To develop new interests & friendships. To become someone he turned to when things weren't going so great, and that he is there for me (and me for him) even now - if only to talk. And he gave me the greatest gift of all - his love & acceptance. For that, I am always grateful.

Besides - if you love someone, really love someone, you gotta want what's best for them, right? ;~)

Peace.

Disappointments

Wow - another long period of time!! My bad. Took a road trip this past Saturday to see Julian in Poplar Bluff, MO. Unfortunately, he had some car troubles & I decided to turn around to come home around Cairo, IL. I wish I had gone ahead & drove into Mountain Grove as he had suggested, 'cause I really was anxious to see him again. But I felt unprepared for the longer trip, so I decided it was best to head back to EVV. He was good w/my decision & I thought I was, until that evening - alone in my room. That's when the disappointment really set in, then I started doubting myself, my life, my friends......just everything personal. It all came crashing in on me & I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Funny thing is - I didn't knoe that's what was happening. I just knew I felt outta sorts, pissed off @ the world, and extremely needy and weepy. And nothing, not even Julian's texting and concern, could make it better. It wasn't until the next day when we were talking, that I hit the nail on the head. I had an epiphany when I was texting him & ended up putting it into words - for the very 1st time. Seeing it in the words on my phone, it hit me that I had never ever identified exactly what was causing my angst. It was also very freeing - I have felt better & more at peace since that very moment. The knowledge of how your mind works can be so empowering @ times - I know that just because I have a disappointment in my life, doesn't mean that my life isn't worth anything to me or someone else. It's just my obsessive thinking, my "stinking thinking" as OAers are so apt to say, that takes over & provides me so much grief.

A good thing came outta all this, tho - I bought a coupla parakeets for me & Ella on the way home. Ladybug had passed on to the big aviary in the sky about 6 weeks ago. The cage has just been sitting on my dresser - clean & empty. Couldn't bear to take it out to the garage, I guess. Anyway, now it has some occupants. They are not very old - almost babies. So.....they will probably outlive Ella & maybe me. Who's to say? But here's a pic - meet Ricky & Lucy:


Lucy is the one on the left w/the crazy mottled feathers. Well - I suppose I oughta get up & get ready for work. Don't wanna be late!!

Peace, kids!!