ONLY NINE MORE DAYS.......

Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.

I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??

So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.

I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!

I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.

Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.

Peace.

EUREKA - I GOT IT!!!!

I finally figured it out - what it takes for me to blog regularly is pain, I guess. I probably should be writing instead, but I prefer this - typing doesn't give me writers cramp. Anyway - NY JOB SUX RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate going in & being almost the only one actually doing any work, and then to be told I'm not doing my job well enuff is almost more than I can handle. What a crock of BS I keep thinking I can get past this. I keep thinking that vacation is almost here, and after I get back, the pressure will be off. I keep prying for these bozos to find peace & happiness in THEIR lives, so they'll stay outta mine, but it ain't working for me right now. Not at all.

Oh well - time to go to bed, get some sleep so I can get up on time to go into the office I can almost no longer stand the sight of. Only 16 more days til my vacation - THANK GOODNESS!!!!

Peace, kids - stay cool.

KEEPING UP....

I should be able to be more regular with my posts, or at least keep them consistent, but I just can't. It's wonderful when I do get on here, 'cause all kinda things just spill out & onto the screen. I guess starting is what's so difficult.

It's hot here in EVV. Don't want to go home & sit on the porch with Ella ('cause I'm reasonably sure that's where she will be) so I'm at the library. Just took the kids to see Killers, with Ashton Kutcher & Katherine Heigl. Pretty good - actually funnier than I thought it would be. I havta be honest, I could NOT for the life of me see what Demi Moore saw in him when they first got together, but NOW?? Oh my goodness - I can MOST certainly see it now!! LOL He'll always kinda remind me of that kid, Kelso, from That 70's Show. But he sure did grow up fine........WAY TO GO, DEMI!! Bravo!

Saturdays are my "down" day, kinda. I think there is so much going on during the week, at work & otherwise, that by the time the weekend arrives, I am really just not motivated at all. To do much of anything. It's not like I work that hard, I don't - just don't wanna do a darn thing except sit & vegetate. Which isn't really productive. Perhaps my vacation will rejuvenate my vitality - only 17 more days!! YAY!!

I'm feeling so lazy today I'd go home & take a nap - but if I do that, I'll wake up about 10 & be up all nite. Which means I won't wanna get up for church in the morning. Maybe it's this heat that makes me so tired - I haven't really done anything all day. Well, NOW I'm gonna go knit. That's productive, right???

Peace.

SERENITY, PEACE & HAPPINESS

GOD - PLEASE GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN & A SMIDGEN OF YOUR INFINITE WISDOM SO I CAN REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE........AND GOD?? IF YA DON'T MIND, COULD YA MAKE THAT HAPPEN YESTERDAY?? PLEASE?????

I'm searching tonite - searching for peace of mind. I want my happiness & joy back, and I want it NOW. Just like a small child, eh? Instant gratification is what I seek. In all areas of my life. Not sure I wanna pray for patience - I'm afraid that I'll be sent more ways in which to test it out!! Today, my nerves are shot - that last one I had left?? Several people did their level best to tromp all over it........

I am level-headed right now, for the moment. May not be tomorrow. I'm extremely hurt, but I'm trying really hard not to hold onto any resentments - but I'm afraid I'm not trying as hard as I think I am, 'cause I still wanna hurt someone REAL bad. It'll pass tho - just like it always does. I'll open my heart & soul to those around me, give them the benefit of the doubt & the same azzholes who chmped me before will probably do so again. Maybe not. Don't know.

What I do know is this - I AM BIGGER & BETTER THAN THIS!! AND I WON'T BECOME ONE OF THE DOWNTRODDEN THROWAWAYS!! I WON'T SUCCUMB TO THE MADNESS!! I WILL STAND STRONG & BE TRUE TO MYSELF, NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

In the infamous words of Gloria Gaynor - I WILL SURVIVE!!!!

Peace, kids. And good nite.......