ONLY NINE MORE DAYS.......

Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.

I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??

So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.

I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!

I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.

Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.

Peace.

Oh, what a nite!

Well, well, well - is it time to go home yet?? OMGoodness, I am so wiped out. Yesterday w/me in charge (LOL) at work didn't go particularly well - we had a deal w/the new phone system that I couldn't fix, of course. Then a girl in the warehouse had a family crisis that I didn't have the authority or feel comfortable making a decision about. Then to top it all off, the electricity went out right before I get ready to leave!! So I run around to check all the A/C units to make sure they're running - don't wanna end up with puddles of chocolate on the floor! Go to my meeting, then text the bosses, who decide, if I didn't mind too much - would I come BACK out to work & check the units again? Just to make sure everything is cool? Literally - temperature-wise? So I did, but now I kinda feel like I never left the place! :~)

A little background, for those who don't know - I work at Old Fashion Candy. We sell & distribute fundraising candy, snack items, candles, keyrings & such across the USA. I'm also a compulsive overeater who attends Overeaters Anonymous on a regular basis to help me get well from this progressive, compulsive disease I have. Now, it used to be that working @ OFC was kinda like being an alcoholic that worked as a bartender - I mean, hey! It was there for the taking (and eating), I might as well have some, right? But luckily, a friend & neighbor introduced me to OA before I ate myself into oblivion. With the help & grace of God, the 12 Steps, my fellow OAer's, my sponsor, family & friends - I am slowly overcoming the urge to compulsively overeat. No more snacking - no more stash in my desk or my bedroom @ home. Thank goodness I don't have my mind on food 24/7 - leaves me more time to knit!

Speaking of which - the Hannah sock should be done tonite & since I'm running out to McCutchanville to help her with algebra homework (yay!), I'll have her & Corbin model their sox so I can take pics with the good camera, then post my first pattern. Sad to say, I've already started my 6th pair of sox for Hannah's mom, Christy. They are on the needles as we speak, or I write.............I know!! As if I don't have enough WIP's hanging out in my bedroom!! Okay - back to work now - that's what I'm supposed to be doing!! LOL

Peace to all.