I HATE ME

Right now, I really, really hate myself. I snacked last nite when I had no business doing so - killed half a bag of Cheetos. Was gonna do better this morning, then decided to have chocolate chip cookies WITH my banana, and from there it was Katy bar the door. I haven't quit eating for more than 90 minutes at a time all damn day, It sux - totally blew what little abstinence I was holding onto, and now my stomach hurts like hell. Not to mention that I feel like I'm poured into my clothes today. Aaaarrrgggghhhhh........so. Back to the first 3 Steps tonite, before I settle in with my knitting OR Facebook. Journal some on what in the hell caused this compulsive overeating, because I'm almost sure there's some underlying emotional upheaval or reason I did so. Try really hard not to beat myself up TOO bad over the whole deal, and decide how I'm gonna come clean to my sponsor and OA friends.

My heart & my body are really heavy right now - I feel like I have a ton of lead on my shoulders & another in my stomach. THIS SUX SO FRIGGIN' BAD!!!!! Okay then - gonna man up, get my stuff together & head for Bible study. Pray to God to help me, then promise myself to DO SOMETHING to help myself the next time that DOESN'T involve food!! Gee!! When will I EVER learn??

Peace.

INSPIRATION

Inspiration come to me from everywhere. The wondrous hand of God as displayed in the beauty of Nature, the smooth sensuousness of a certain fiber, seeing my favorite color, or feeling the rough textures of wood & concrete under my fingertips.......all of these contribute to good feelings & the longing to create something to remind me of those times. Pain & anxiety also sometimes inspire me, but in the opposite direction - they inspire & encourage me to be lazy, to lose sight of the importance of certain things, to ignore the very things I should be paying attention to, and to ignore the help being offered by others.

What is wonderful and miraculous to me is when I find inspiration in an unexpected place - such as the writings of a friend. I know someone who you would never think had the deep, philosophical thoughts that he does, just by looking at him. Just goes to show you can't always judge a book by it's cover, eh? I read his blog/note on FB the other day and was nearly moved to tears. He has this great appreciation for life, his parents & step-parents, his upbringing and his friends - and he doesn't mind letting the world know about it. So.......why should my blog be so negative?? Why should I let everyday, mundane BS color the way I see the world? Why blog only when I feel like crap?? Looking back over my posts, I see that I let this be an outlet for my fear, anxiety & angst.

I'm not gonna promise that every future post will be all sunshine and rainbows - that's not realistic. But I am gonna actively promote optimism in my life - let's hope it transfers to here. My life is about God, knitting, good friends, my family, my OA Program & my OA family, and my thankfulness for being allowed this many years on God's green Earth. I don't have time or the place in my heart for the negativity that I've been pulling down upon myself lately. I wanna breathe, relax and enjoy the sunshine and Spirit while God still lets me.

So, that's my post for the day. Hopefully, they will be much more frequent, and maybe I can even find the time to post a few patterns in here!! Have a great day, wherever & whoever you are!!

Peace & Love

Suz

ONLY NINE MORE DAYS.......

Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.

I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??

So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.

I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!

I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.

Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.

Peace.

EUREKA - I GOT IT!!!!

I finally figured it out - what it takes for me to blog regularly is pain, I guess. I probably should be writing instead, but I prefer this - typing doesn't give me writers cramp. Anyway - NY JOB SUX RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate going in & being almost the only one actually doing any work, and then to be told I'm not doing my job well enuff is almost more than I can handle. What a crock of BS I keep thinking I can get past this. I keep thinking that vacation is almost here, and after I get back, the pressure will be off. I keep prying for these bozos to find peace & happiness in THEIR lives, so they'll stay outta mine, but it ain't working for me right now. Not at all.

Oh well - time to go to bed, get some sleep so I can get up on time to go into the office I can almost no longer stand the sight of. Only 16 more days til my vacation - THANK GOODNESS!!!!

Peace, kids - stay cool.

KEEPING UP....

I should be able to be more regular with my posts, or at least keep them consistent, but I just can't. It's wonderful when I do get on here, 'cause all kinda things just spill out & onto the screen. I guess starting is what's so difficult.

It's hot here in EVV. Don't want to go home & sit on the porch with Ella ('cause I'm reasonably sure that's where she will be) so I'm at the library. Just took the kids to see Killers, with Ashton Kutcher & Katherine Heigl. Pretty good - actually funnier than I thought it would be. I havta be honest, I could NOT for the life of me see what Demi Moore saw in him when they first got together, but NOW?? Oh my goodness - I can MOST certainly see it now!! LOL He'll always kinda remind me of that kid, Kelso, from That 70's Show. But he sure did grow up fine........WAY TO GO, DEMI!! Bravo!

Saturdays are my "down" day, kinda. I think there is so much going on during the week, at work & otherwise, that by the time the weekend arrives, I am really just not motivated at all. To do much of anything. It's not like I work that hard, I don't - just don't wanna do a darn thing except sit & vegetate. Which isn't really productive. Perhaps my vacation will rejuvenate my vitality - only 17 more days!! YAY!!

I'm feeling so lazy today I'd go home & take a nap - but if I do that, I'll wake up about 10 & be up all nite. Which means I won't wanna get up for church in the morning. Maybe it's this heat that makes me so tired - I haven't really done anything all day. Well, NOW I'm gonna go knit. That's productive, right???

Peace.

SERENITY, PEACE & HAPPINESS

GOD - PLEASE GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN & A SMIDGEN OF YOUR INFINITE WISDOM SO I CAN REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE........AND GOD?? IF YA DON'T MIND, COULD YA MAKE THAT HAPPEN YESTERDAY?? PLEASE?????

I'm searching tonite - searching for peace of mind. I want my happiness & joy back, and I want it NOW. Just like a small child, eh? Instant gratification is what I seek. In all areas of my life. Not sure I wanna pray for patience - I'm afraid that I'll be sent more ways in which to test it out!! Today, my nerves are shot - that last one I had left?? Several people did their level best to tromp all over it........

I am level-headed right now, for the moment. May not be tomorrow. I'm extremely hurt, but I'm trying really hard not to hold onto any resentments - but I'm afraid I'm not trying as hard as I think I am, 'cause I still wanna hurt someone REAL bad. It'll pass tho - just like it always does. I'll open my heart & soul to those around me, give them the benefit of the doubt & the same azzholes who chmped me before will probably do so again. Maybe not. Don't know.

What I do know is this - I AM BIGGER & BETTER THAN THIS!! AND I WON'T BECOME ONE OF THE DOWNTRODDEN THROWAWAYS!! I WON'T SUCCUMB TO THE MADNESS!! I WILL STAND STRONG & BE TRUE TO MYSELF, NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

In the infamous words of Gloria Gaynor - I WILL SURVIVE!!!!

Peace, kids. And good nite.......

I NEED A VACATION.......

Lawdy - I sound like a darn broken record, don't I?? Gee whiz - the BS never ends at this place. Sooooooo - do I stay, put up with the crap & try to work thru it? Or do I update my resume & go jobhunting?? At age 52? Aaaarrrggghhhh!!! I never really realized what Tala went thru until now, but suddenly - I get it. She was where I am now - she had messed up a little, tried to get back on track, but had to deal with "T" on a daily basis - no wonder she walked out. He never, ever, ever lets up. The little digs & nitpicking go a lllooonnnggg way towards undermining self esteem - with some. Not with me - I'm just angry all the time now. On edge, and terribly frustrated, too. I don't really WANT to try & please him - it's an impssible task. He's a bully, a bully boss & I have become his target. He literally canNOT help himself, I don't think. HE believes he's "keeping me on my toes".

I pray for him daily - to find peace & happiness in his life. I must confess I ask for God to help make him not such a butthead. But so far, I don't know that I feel any better, and I surely can't tell that it's made an impact on him. But I'll keep praying for relief - I know God will answer my prayer somehow. I just don't know when, where or how. Until then, I'll keep looking for little islands of peace & tranquility in my life, and hope for the best. Surely, he can't go another 40 years acting like such a d--k to most people. I don't know why Sam keeps him on here, unless it's for the the fact that he kisses azz so well.

Honestly can't wait for my vacation - I plan to do nothing but sit on the front porch, drink a coupla glasses of wine, knit & watch the world go by. Period. That's my plan - think I can wait until July??? LOL I sure hope I can.

Peace, kids. Thanks for listening. ;~)

HOW DO YOU RETRIEVE YOUR PEACE OF MIND???

How do ya get it back when it seems like every last shred of it has gone out the window - along w/your joy about being exactly where you're supposed to be in life?? Right now - I don't know. I used to enjoy going into work everyday - that's changed. Thanks, Tharon. I feel put-upon & unappreciated, and it's hard to get past that. As a 12 Stepper, I know what I OUGHT to do to help relieve the anxiety - journal, talk to my sponsor, read OA literature, etc. BUT I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I simply want to be someplace very quiet - no phones, no TV, no kids, no Ella and especially NO Tharon. Right now, if I never ever saw that man again, I would not think twice about it.

I'm very tired of day-to-day life right now - that retirement cabin in the mountains is looking pretty damn good right now. Too bad there is no such cabin. Too bad I've saved no money to have such a retirement. I am praying a lot, that these feelings pass. I'm crying a lot & I'm not sure if it's self-pity or just insurmountable sadness. I feel like I've lost something, and I'm not sure what. I'm not eating over it - still at 3 meals a day with absolutely no snacks. My meals aren't restricted, but I have noticed that I do tend to get a little hungry between meals - so I must be doing something right.

Thank God I have a meeting tonite - it may be the only thing that is gonna get me dis-invited from my own pity party. As far as the job is concerned? I'm torn - really torn. One part of me says do the very best I can for Sam & Melanie (forget about the a**hole, Tharon)even if it means doing a little bit on my own time. The other part of me says I'll be damned if I'm going to do more than absolutely neccesary - especially when I'm doing twice as much as Debbie, but she gets to work OT & I'm restricted to 40 hrs a week. Seriously - WTF happens when she leaves for good in 3 wks? Huh?? Still want me on 40 hrs a week, dipsh*t?? See - that's where it's all changed. It used to be I didn't mind doing some work & not getting paid for it. I'd go in on a Saturday & work 4-5 hrs on my own time - never punch in. But now? The hell with all that. I'm only working on my job when I get paid for it - period.

Maybe this counts as journaling - I don't know. I don't feel much better yet, if it does. But - duty calls. Time for work. Hopefully my next post will be more light-hearted. Thanks for listening.

Peace.

Hmmmmm........

Seems I have a mystery commentator on my blog. Wonder what that's all about?? And when I look at HIS (HER??) blog, all I see are little squares. Weird. Well - so far, so good today at work. YAY!! And Hannah has all her homework done, so that's good too. Things are looking up, I'd say.

Thank goodness for being able to be there for friends. I have one that's going thru a hard time, and I hope I can be there for him always. He's hurting, but he's a "glass is half-full" kinda guy - he'll make it, I know he will. As always, he's in my prayers.

Okay - gotta work!!

Peace!

One week down....

Well - I made it thru the week, and I didn't kill anyone......namely you know who. That's a good thing. It's Sunday, tho - the start of a brand-new week. Hopefully, this one will go better than the last.

The good news?? I finished a knitted shawl & will probably finish a wrap for my mom's birthday by tomorrow nite. Ya gotta love big needles & dropped stitches!! LOL Okay - gotta go - Hannah is having a hissy fit 'cause she wants me to watch a movie with her. She's sighing dramatically & loudly from across the room!! What a teenage drama queen!!

Oh! She just said she's THE teenage drama queen!!! Gotta go!!

Peace!!

WORK SUX.........and then ya die.

Jeez - I don't know where to start. It's been a helluva day, to say the least. Tharon (the general manager taking Melanie's place in our dept) is on my ass hot & heavy. I'm so pissed off still, and all this happ'd over 2 hrs ago. But I can't seem to let it go. F***!! I'm mad, so mad. He claims I'm disobeying his direct orders on purpose. Like I've been sitting around all week with my thumb up my ass or something. Because he told me & Debbie last week to switch account books & call each other's bad debt customers. And we never got around to it this week. Since he didn't say anything to HER, I'm assuming he believes it's all MY fault. What makes it worse is that's the impression I get from Debbie too!! Maybe its just my paranoia kicking in - I don't know. But I'm really upset about it. I did talk to Melanie & she told me to breathe and just shake it off. I'm trying, I am - I'm so happy I have a meeting tonite. Sorry, kids - didn't mean to rant. Just thought if I put it into words I could get past it somehow. Don't pay me any mind whatsoever, ok? I'll be okay. Thanks for reading!! LOL

Peace out, Tharon!!

Good morning!!

Hmmm - why in the world is it that the day I have SO much stuff to do, the end of the month and the day I meet with one of the owners of the company to present a new product idea, then I'm not sleepy. At all. It's after midnite, and I'm wide awake. Poop. Could still be adreneline, I suppose. I did something really, really stupid tonite & I'm still not sure what possessed me to do so.

I was 1 1/2 blocks from home. I stopped @ a top sign and a woman that was standing on the corner came up & knocked on my car window. She acted like she was drunk or high. Not sure which - but she wanted to know if I'd give her a ride to her apartment @ 1st and Adams 'cause she ran outta gas. I didn't see a car that looked outta place & I told her I wasn't going that far. She kept asking me & pulling on the door handle. The way she was acting I figured if I took off she'd fall down & I might accidently run over her. So I let her in - told her I'd take her to Washington Avenue.

Now, some of ya know taht I don't live in the best part of town anyway. Pretty much as close to the inner city as you can get without actually living there. Its not a great neighborhood. But she had me twisting & truening 'til we WERE in some of the worst & scary parts of town. The part of town we were in - people stand in the middle of the street talking to each other & dare you to hit them when you drive down the road. Anyway, we finally got to a little bit better part & I told her that was as far as I would go. She wouldn't get outta the car!! She kept wanting me to hug her, kept saying "Music!!" when she wanted me to turn up the radio, and was just in general creeping me out. And I was scared sh*tless - I kid you not.

We ended up only a coupla blocks away from my mom's house! Finally, she said that the creepy apartments next to Earl's Muffler shop across from Pizza King was where she lived & she got outta my car. Not before asking me for money, tho! But dang - I'm thinking now I was really, really lucky. And of course, the 2 people I told about it let me know how stupid it was to do something like that. They were right.

Wow - I guess thats what I needed to do - was blog about it! Cause now I'm tired all of a sudden. Weird. Anyway, I guess its time for bed then!! LOL

Good nite & peace!!

A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF NONSENSICAL OBSERVATIONS

These are some things I've learned about myself & the world in the last 72 hrs or so. Not all of them make alot of sense (even to me!) and some are more like peeves than anything else. I was gonna entitle this "TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED" but the list quickly grew to more than ten, so I'll just write/blog til it stops being funny. Because, believe me, most of it's funny.......

1. I never knew I could love someone so deeply that I've only actually met once
2. Never knew I'd still be able to write about it when they met someone else
3. Knitting helps to soothe my aching heart, but a trip to the LYS (local yarn shop) helped me almost forget why I was sad in the first place - notice I said ALMOST
4. Just when I need solace in God's arms, I decide I'm too depressed to get outta bed & go to church
5. I'm a sucker for "orphan" skeins of yarn @ said LYS
6. Knitting a lace scarf with pink yarn on rose-colored needles will make you forget anything that's bothering you, if you don't go blind first
7. I have become old enuff to need more than 2 lights on @ a time when I knit
8. But I'm not so old that hair color & the attention of young men can't make me feel better
9. I've decided it's Ella's fault that Murphy's Law follows me around some days - after all, her last name is Murphy & I gotta blame somebody, right?
10. It's a federal law that you HAVTA buy yarn that's 75% off - isn't it?
11. That I sincerely do NOT wanna clean the offices today
12. I find I blog more often when I'm hurting
13. Just when you think you have the world by the tail, you don't
14. It is too warm outside now for me to have that extra blanket on my bed - either that or I'm having hot flashes again
15. That it can be 70 outside & Ella will still turn the heat up to 75 degrees, put on flannel PJ's & a robe, then cover herself with a fleece blanket & tell me she's having trouble catching her breath. Can we say heat stroke, perhaps?

Okay - that's all the idiosyncrasy I can come up with today.......and I REALLY gotta clean this office, now!! LOL I do wanna be at church at 5 pm.

Peace, kids!

This Heart O' Mine...

I must say that 72 hrs ago, I wouldn't have had the courage or even the will to blog. But things change, especially given enuff time. I know that what is happening is for the best - it's exactly what I wanted for him. What I don't know is why it still hurts so bad - even after 3 days. Oh, the pangs in the heart aren't as huge as they were on Thursday. But they are still making themselves know, sometimes when I least expect it.

What I can be grateful for is that I knew this day would come, even if I chose to hide it from myself. I have great friends & a great program to help me thru this period. And I didn't eat or even smoke over it. What else can I say? That in itself is fantastic, and 2-3 yrs ago would not have been a possibility. So, I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.

And I can also be grateful that I helped & encouraged a young man who had led a sheltered life to get out into the world. To develop new interests & friendships. To become someone he turned to when things weren't going so great, and that he is there for me (and me for him) even now - if only to talk. And he gave me the greatest gift of all - his love & acceptance. For that, I am always grateful.

Besides - if you love someone, really love someone, you gotta want what's best for them, right? ;~)

Peace.

Disappointments

Wow - another long period of time!! My bad. Took a road trip this past Saturday to see Julian in Poplar Bluff, MO. Unfortunately, he had some car troubles & I decided to turn around to come home around Cairo, IL. I wish I had gone ahead & drove into Mountain Grove as he had suggested, 'cause I really was anxious to see him again. But I felt unprepared for the longer trip, so I decided it was best to head back to EVV. He was good w/my decision & I thought I was, until that evening - alone in my room. That's when the disappointment really set in, then I started doubting myself, my life, my friends......just everything personal. It all came crashing in on me & I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Funny thing is - I didn't knoe that's what was happening. I just knew I felt outta sorts, pissed off @ the world, and extremely needy and weepy. And nothing, not even Julian's texting and concern, could make it better. It wasn't until the next day when we were talking, that I hit the nail on the head. I had an epiphany when I was texting him & ended up putting it into words - for the very 1st time. Seeing it in the words on my phone, it hit me that I had never ever identified exactly what was causing my angst. It was also very freeing - I have felt better & more at peace since that very moment. The knowledge of how your mind works can be so empowering @ times - I know that just because I have a disappointment in my life, doesn't mean that my life isn't worth anything to me or someone else. It's just my obsessive thinking, my "stinking thinking" as OAers are so apt to say, that takes over & provides me so much grief.

A good thing came outta all this, tho - I bought a coupla parakeets for me & Ella on the way home. Ladybug had passed on to the big aviary in the sky about 6 weeks ago. The cage has just been sitting on my dresser - clean & empty. Couldn't bear to take it out to the garage, I guess. Anyway, now it has some occupants. They are not very old - almost babies. So.....they will probably outlive Ella & maybe me. Who's to say? But here's a pic - meet Ricky & Lucy:


Lucy is the one on the left w/the crazy mottled feathers. Well - I suppose I oughta get up & get ready for work. Don't wanna be late!!

Peace, kids!!

Loooonnnngggg time!!

Wow - I've not stayed very caught up with this, have I? Hmmmmm - long-term dedication to any one thing except eating doesn't seem to be my forte', here lately. I will say that I plan to blame it on the weather........enough with the snow, already!! I love snow - I really, really do - around Christmas time. Even up into January, it's not so bad, kinda expected actually. But once February rolls around, my thoughts turn towards Spring & sunshine. Warmer, fresher air. Things starting to grow outside & the smell of the freshly-turned earth. Ahhhhhh........

But, anyway - working on knitting up a storm right now. Have tons of projects on needles, but they are all on hold until the Olympics is over. I'm dedicated to making at least a square a day for Knit A Square charity (I have 5 so far!!) and to getting Hannah's KAL sox frogged & reknit to fit (both heels done & turned, working on the feet) and Hannah's Snugg boots done & sent off to Sharon in MA for soleing. Those are my Ravelympics projects.

I did make a very cute baby sweater for Sarah J. here at the office - she's due in 2 1/2 weeks from today. Here's a pic of the finished sweater:





Pretty, huh? I loved the way it turned out. I am going to make a hat & some sox to match right after the Olympics are over. And finish the scarf I'm knitting for Sarah herself outta the same yarn.

Okay then - gotta get back to work. I'll just leave ya'll with one more thing and a lovely picture to remind you of it: THINK SPRING!! PLEASE!!!!!



Peace!!