Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.
I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??
So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.
I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!
I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.
Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.
Peace.
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