ONLY NINE MORE DAYS.......

Right now, I hate my life. Why?? Don't know - can't put my finger on the exact reason why. All I know is that the food isn't good, I'm BARELY managing to maintain my abstinence & I don't feel like doing a darn thing about it. I don't wanna talk to my sponsor about it, I don't wanna write about it, and I'm not in the mood for reading any of my OA literature. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I feel like an idiot! I have all the tools at my disposal, and I won't lift a finger to help myself.

I'm sitting at my desk, at work - I've been here for over 4 hrs now & haven't even started to clean the offices. I've balanced my checkbook - that's THE most constructive thing I've done all day. I think I'm having an internal war with myself, or those little angel/devil guys that sit on your shoulder - your conscience?? They are doing battle in my head. I know the things I should be doing, and I know that even a little action is better than none at all, but part of me is saying "what does it matter anyway? What kinda life do you really have - is it that great?" Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh - I HATE this feeling!! The only thing I'm willing to do to help myself is pray - that's it. And how much help can God actually give me, when I'm not willing to do a little footwork to help myself?? At all??

So what brought it on, I'm wondering? Why the sudden slippery spiral into the deep dark abyss? Well - I guess the food has been starting to slip the last few days. It's an insidious disease, this compulsive overeating thing. It's like drinking vodka - you go along, thinking you're doing fine, that you aren't that drunk, then BAM!!! The vodka sneaks up behind your ass & slams ya in the head with a hammer. Wow - OA really IS like AA, huh?? Okay - back to cause & effect. Spent the day with Ella yesterday. It wasn't too bad - altho she had irritated the HELL outta me the nite before with "are you SURE you don't mind picking me up to go to the baby shower? Isn't it out of your way? I hate that you have to drive all the way home just for me." No, Ella - I had to come home to pick up the cake for the shower. We live at the same house. WHY WOULD IT BE OUT OF MY WAY??? Wouldn't have been so bad, I guess, if I hadn't had to repeat myself SIX times before she finally shut up about it. Maybe that was the catalyst.

I know that I'm lonely - but I don't wanna reach out to anyone either. I had a couple of guys I was talking to online, but that kinda fizzled, because we are on different work schedules so it's hard to be online @ the same time. I miss talking to Julian, alot. I know he's busy tho & I knew this day would come - it just still makes me sad. Sam is getting married next weekend, so maybe I have mixed emotions about that. I did have that humongous crush on him for awhile, but to be honest - I wouldn't want him for keeps. He has no courage when it comes to confrontation, and I resent the fact that he had questions about my work log, but didn't bother to ask me himself. Instead, he sends his hired goon, Tharon, to do his dirty work. I honestly thought we were better friends than that! I mean, geez - he's been taking his little "cliche" (which includes me, btw) out to eat once or twice a week for the last 3 wks!!

I've got 2 weeks of vacation coming up and I'm hoping I can keep a level head about me, since most of my time will be spent at home with Ella. Patsy at church had an idea yesterday @ the baby shower - said maybe I should just go somewhere for a coupla days, all by myself. Nowhere very far away - just stay in a cheap motel or hotel and recharge my batteries. Give myself a little TRUE "alone time". Hmmmmmmm - that does have some possibilities. Maybe what I really need is a big old time-out, since it seems to me I'm actually acting a lot like a child throwing a tantrum.

Okay - I REALLY havta get these offices cleaned. Gotta go, kids.

Peace.

HOW DO YOU RETRIEVE YOUR PEACE OF MIND???

How do ya get it back when it seems like every last shred of it has gone out the window - along w/your joy about being exactly where you're supposed to be in life?? Right now - I don't know. I used to enjoy going into work everyday - that's changed. Thanks, Tharon. I feel put-upon & unappreciated, and it's hard to get past that. As a 12 Stepper, I know what I OUGHT to do to help relieve the anxiety - journal, talk to my sponsor, read OA literature, etc. BUT I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I simply want to be someplace very quiet - no phones, no TV, no kids, no Ella and especially NO Tharon. Right now, if I never ever saw that man again, I would not think twice about it.

I'm very tired of day-to-day life right now - that retirement cabin in the mountains is looking pretty damn good right now. Too bad there is no such cabin. Too bad I've saved no money to have such a retirement. I am praying a lot, that these feelings pass. I'm crying a lot & I'm not sure if it's self-pity or just insurmountable sadness. I feel like I've lost something, and I'm not sure what. I'm not eating over it - still at 3 meals a day with absolutely no snacks. My meals aren't restricted, but I have noticed that I do tend to get a little hungry between meals - so I must be doing something right.

Thank God I have a meeting tonite - it may be the only thing that is gonna get me dis-invited from my own pity party. As far as the job is concerned? I'm torn - really torn. One part of me says do the very best I can for Sam & Melanie (forget about the a**hole, Tharon)even if it means doing a little bit on my own time. The other part of me says I'll be damned if I'm going to do more than absolutely neccesary - especially when I'm doing twice as much as Debbie, but she gets to work OT & I'm restricted to 40 hrs a week. Seriously - WTF happens when she leaves for good in 3 wks? Huh?? Still want me on 40 hrs a week, dipsh*t?? See - that's where it's all changed. It used to be I didn't mind doing some work & not getting paid for it. I'd go in on a Saturday & work 4-5 hrs on my own time - never punch in. But now? The hell with all that. I'm only working on my job when I get paid for it - period.

Maybe this counts as journaling - I don't know. I don't feel much better yet, if it does. But - duty calls. Time for work. Hopefully my next post will be more light-hearted. Thanks for listening.

Peace.

One week down....

Well - I made it thru the week, and I didn't kill anyone......namely you know who. That's a good thing. It's Sunday, tho - the start of a brand-new week. Hopefully, this one will go better than the last.

The good news?? I finished a knitted shawl & will probably finish a wrap for my mom's birthday by tomorrow nite. Ya gotta love big needles & dropped stitches!! LOL Okay - gotta go - Hannah is having a hissy fit 'cause she wants me to watch a movie with her. She's sighing dramatically & loudly from across the room!! What a teenage drama queen!!

Oh! She just said she's THE teenage drama queen!!! Gotta go!!

Peace!!

WORK SUX.........and then ya die.

Jeez - I don't know where to start. It's been a helluva day, to say the least. Tharon (the general manager taking Melanie's place in our dept) is on my ass hot & heavy. I'm so pissed off still, and all this happ'd over 2 hrs ago. But I can't seem to let it go. F***!! I'm mad, so mad. He claims I'm disobeying his direct orders on purpose. Like I've been sitting around all week with my thumb up my ass or something. Because he told me & Debbie last week to switch account books & call each other's bad debt customers. And we never got around to it this week. Since he didn't say anything to HER, I'm assuming he believes it's all MY fault. What makes it worse is that's the impression I get from Debbie too!! Maybe its just my paranoia kicking in - I don't know. But I'm really upset about it. I did talk to Melanie & she told me to breathe and just shake it off. I'm trying, I am - I'm so happy I have a meeting tonite. Sorry, kids - didn't mean to rant. Just thought if I put it into words I could get past it somehow. Don't pay me any mind whatsoever, ok? I'll be okay. Thanks for reading!! LOL

Peace out, Tharon!!

I Don't Wanna Work, I Just Wanna Bang On The Drum All Day....

That's my song today. By Todd Rundgren. It's playing over & over & over in my head. I don't wanna work today. I'm outta the notion & have been since about 8:30 am. Is it time to go home yet?????

So, what DO I wanna do? Take a nap. Knit. Nap some more. Watch a movie on TV & knit. Go to bed early. It's just one of those days, people. The weather is dreary, it's finally turned see-your-breath cold outside & I guess I'm in hibernation mode.

BUT!!!!! Time's a wastin' as I sit here & blog! I'd best get back to the task @ hand, which is none of the above, unfortunately! LOL

I'll be back shortly with more fascinating insights & updates from the one! The only! The incomparable ME!!!!!!!!!


Peace on earth & goodwill towards all....